Hamming up the works...

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Well, they are renaming the "Swine Flu" after Egypt yesterday started slaughtering pigs in a frenzy.
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Now, Islam is the official religion of Egypt, so I am not sure why there are even pigs IN Egypt.
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The new name? "H1N1"- which in a deja vous all over again is, of course, an advertising/trolling shortcut for those damn promiscuous gay men: Have 1, Need 1.

Facebook: Who Am I?

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Who Am I?


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My dad's brother George.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When Gus dies in Lonesome Dove

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's the only one I have.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Nun.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
13 that I know of, 4 others I suspect

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No, I hate fat people.

7. DO YOU EVER USE SARCASM?
On my jock itch.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, but not my uvula

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Only off the curb.

10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Ted Bundy

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I take the shoelaces out every time so they can sleep better- it's good for the sole.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
I recall two childhood mammaries, both respectable- twins, I think.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Zamboni Slush

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Boobs.

15. RED OR PINK?
It's usually pink when I start, but red by the time I am done.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
More chins than a Chinese phone book.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Velma and Gloria

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I would not have wasted my time otherwise.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Nun- black and white.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Clint Eastwood singing "I talk to the trees..."

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Caucasian

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Gino- but he wasn't listening to me; he was on the phone.

25. DO YOU KNOW THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes, I married him.

26. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH?
2M4W

27. HAIR COLOR?
Not yet...

28. EYE COLOR?
All three are brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Does that say contracts?

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Clams- al dente'

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary Movies with Happy Endings- like the last 8 years.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The one I accidentally took of my feet with my new phone.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING
Hair

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Spring

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs- I love almonds

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
A tie between Carol's grandma's cheesecake and her granddaughter

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
If I pinch her ass...

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Before noon...

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW
None, I'm sitting at the computer- but if I was reading, it would be Angels & Demons

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
spaghetti sauce and dog hair

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The cat sleeping and staying warm.

42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
"I'm going to school."

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Entomology over Geology; Ornithology third...

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
2nd base

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, and my wife says it is even better since they took my uvula out.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a manger

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Jesus- our gardener.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE?
SexAnon meeting- I was delivering pizza.

Newt the Slimy

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Dear Editor:

Republican leaders have such interesting names, n'est pas?

Delay. Doolittle. Bush. Rush. O'Really. Bonior.

Before Twitter, there was Vitter- which we now know means to frequent ladies of the evening- or maybe the afternoon.

After "Getting Jiggy With It!" along came "Getting Craigy With It!", which we also now know means tap dancing your way through men's restrooms.

Now, Newt Gingrich is angry because our President shook hands with Hugo Chavez, and about our relationship being better with Cuba after 90 days than it has been in the 50 years prior.

It could just be me, but I don't remember this reaction when Ronald Reagan was in Berlin talking to Gorbachev about redoing the Berlin Wallpaper.

An old white guy talking to a Communist, a real Caucasian, the head of an
enemy state, creates no controversy, but a half-black young guy talking to or about the Latino leaders of countries who have simply spoken ill of us creates an uproar?

I see. Repugnantcans. "Can't live with them, can't..." Hmmm. Guess I don't need the whole saying. And, no, I am not tarring all the GOP with the same brush.

Besides, Newt Gingrich is so passe'. After all, No Newt is good Newt. (Gingrich- not Wallace)

Teabag- the noun

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Not all teabags are created equally...

Shoes of the Fisherman II

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Pope Benedict XVI sought to give a message of hope on Easter Sunday to victims of wars, poverty and financial turmoil, saying it was urgently needed to overcome the miseries that are plaguing Africa, the Middle East and other parts of the globe.

Benedict delivered his "Urbi et Orbi" message — Latin for "to the city and the world" — after celebrating Easter Mass before tens of thousands of people who packed St. Peter's Square and the boulevard leading up to it.

I am reminded of my favorite Catholic speech of all time, that of Pope Kiril Lakota in Shoes of the Fisherman:

"I am the custodian of the wealth of the Church. I pledge it now — all our money, all our holdings in land, buildings, and great works of art — for the relief of our hungry brothers. And if, to honor this pledge, the Church must strip itself down to poverty, so be it. I will not alter this pledge; I will not reduce it. And now, I beg the great of the world and the small of the world to share out of their abundance with those who have nothing."

Integrity

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I am proud to be an American, although the last eight years has sometimes made that difficult.

Now, not only am I proud to be an American, but I am really proud to be a liberal/progressive American- and a Democrat.

For a couple of weeks now I have watched as the pundits on "our" side asked questions- Maher, Maddow, Schultz to some extent, Samuels.

None of the heavyweights have been falling into lockstep like the Foxzis have for the last 8 years- Bush the Magnificent!

Last night Olbermann, with Jonathan Turley, hit it out of the park with the bases loaded.

Obama's Justice Department has taken it further than Bush, and has completely lost its mind.

I hope they come to their senses. We're not even at Day 90 yet.

Second Vatican

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Dear Editor,

Esther Villalobos is correct, I was too pointed in my criticism of the Catholic Church. Sometimes, my sense of outrage gets the best of me. My suggestion to abolish the Church was just plain dumb.

Oddly, though, my earliest recollection of that sense of outrage, and the beginning of my departure from the Church, was in the 3rd Grade when Mrs. McElhone at St. Paul's in Oswego, NY, taught us that babies who died before being baptized don't get to go to Heaven, but go to Limbo instead. Forever. Not even a shot at Purgatory.

My chubby arm shot up, and an involuntary "What?" came from me, there in my seat in the front row. I was always moved to the front row by October 1st- never quite figured out why. My eyesight was fine!

The next stumbling block came with the understanding that there was evil and unhappiness in the world because Eve ate an apple from the wrong tree. The unfairness of that was bad enough as a kid, but now, as a male adult, it's even worse to realize it is simply because a woman couldn't follow directions. Huh? Hello! Feels like a setup from the very beginning, right guys? I mean, if men can be criticized for never asking for directions, we can do the same to women about following them.

Last year, this Pope did away with Limbo. All those years that parents anguished over their children stuck in Limbo, and now "poof!" it's gone? Hmmm. This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy! It's what happens with Catholicism, though, because of, unlike other religions, the "changing of the guard" that takes place when a Pope dies.

It is a fact that condoms prevent AIDS. The idea that distributing condoms increases AIDS spread because it encourages multiple partners is a red herring. The German, French, and even the Italian governments were quick to lament the Pope's comments. Many of the 22 million people in Africa with AIDS were either in what they thought were monogamous relationships, are now, or will be in the future. I am not knowledgeable enough to know whether abstinence programs in Africa are effective, but I know the record here is dismal.

When the Pope travels, he does so as both the head of the Church and the head of the Vatican State, and he talks to Catholics and non-Catholics alike. I believe that adds even greater responsibility to his shoulders about what he says. By the way, Popes do not get misquoted. It's not like He gives Jimmy Olson or Lois Lane an exclusive interview behind closed doors. Thousands of people are always witnesses.

On a lighter note, I received a lovely postcard from His Holiness in the mail on Monday. It had a great picture of himself on the front, which did not appear to be digitally retouched. He basically explained to me that he was the first German Pope since Adrian the VI, as he probably did not think that a heathen like me would know that, and he also wrote "So, you have had enough, huh?". It's not really suitable for framing, but I did laminate it. The Edgar Allan Poe stamp was a very nice, subtle touch, also.

On Thursday, in what appeared to be the same handwriting, and again with an Edgar Allan Poe stamp, I received a DVD: Come Home to the Catholic Church: Why I Did, Why You Should! It is a series of lectures by, oddly, a priest. I put it on my DVD rack between Shoes of the Fisherman and The Thorn Birds.

Here's the thing. I love the Church, always have, even though it drives me crazy sometimes- but I am now an Atheist, and that's not likely to change. I mean, it's been over 35 years since my last confession- who wants to spend the next 5 years saying Our Fathers and Hail Marys? I gave up Confession for Lent in 1972, and it just kind of stuck.

I am probably different than most Atheists though, in that while I am 99% sure I am right, I still hope I am wrong. It's a simple matter of fairness for me. Up to 2/3 of the people ever born worshiped a higher form of life, while probably a third did not. All that time, effort, money, all those good deeds- I hope the 2/3 are right. My fate is sealed either way. If they are right, they get to say "I told you so!". If I'm right, I don't.

A couple more light notes. The first is I am looking forward to May 15th, when the next history movie of Catholicism comes out, Angels & Demons. Secondly, my irreverent sense of humor led me to order a "GOD "heart" GAY" license plate for my new van, and DMV notified me Friday that it awaits me in the Vacaville office. Please, could we not have a modern-day "Crusade" to deface my van?

Dr. Dawkins: I now own www.mcmasterful.com. Never even thought of it. Merci!

Folks, you don't need to send me stuff anonymously. I'm not going to hunt you down, or invite my gay friends to camp out on your lawn. Obviously, the anonymity of the postcard from the Pope and the subsequent DVD added to their mystique, but when you send me the pro-church or anti-gay stuff, just put your name on it. That way, my wife doesn't have to worry if there is some strange white powder in there. I tried to reassure her that, at most, it might be dipped in Holy Water prior to mailing, but she would prefer honest return addresses.

Lastly, the Winters Express is our hometown newspaper, and it's a damn good one. I have long been dismayed when I hear or read about people who have unsubscribed because they did not like something that Debra wrote, or Charley, or maybe even me, or Jon Tice, or Donald Sanders.

You don't take the local newspapers for the writers. You subscribe so you know who had a baby, and who died; you subscribe to see that a Winters HS baseball player is batting over .600 and a pitcher gave up only one hit in two games a couple of weeks ago; you subscribe to learn who this year's Mr. Warrior is, and to see what the specials are at Town & Country Market; you subscribe to find out when and where the next fund-raising dinner is for Little League, Youth Day, the Soroptimists, Swim Team, Youth Football, Scouts, or Rotary, or to be reminded that the Fire Department Garage Sale is coming soon; and you subscribe to read the tributes that two former students of Mr. Mac wrote about a man who was so dear to them, and made such a difference in their lives.

It's not an option, it's an obligation. The only legitimate excuse is that you can't afford it. If you don't understand this very basic fundamental about living in a small town, if you are so petty that you don't subscribe over somebody exercising their free speech rights, or because you counted the words in my last letter and realized I was over the limit, then not only can you not be taken seriously for criticizing anybody else, you are in need of some serious therapy.

Letter & Rebuttal

A friend of mine sent me the black ink; The blue ink is my reply.

Tom,

George,

While I believe you’re probably already well versed in this philosophy, I thought that you might benefit from a review. It’s not much use to me, as I have come to understand that “good” and “liberal” are mutually exclusive terms. At any rate, I hope it’s helpful.

18 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL

18 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

1. You are against capital punishment because it's racist, sexist, and too many mistakes have been made.
You believe that life begins sometime, but not at conception- or Safeway has a special on "buy a dozen chickens, and get a dozen free" this week.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

2. You knew Trickle Down Economics was a scam, and now the whole world knows, too.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.

3. You have to believe that since a criminal can't buy an AK-47, the guy who killed 4 Oakland Cops must have stolen it from a "law-abiding" citizen.
"A well-regulated-militia..." When do we start drills?"

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

4. You would rather have art on the walls than pay big-business farmers not to grow crops.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

5. You have to believe that we are at least accelerating global warming, or you should just deny a round earth and the Holocaust, too.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

6. You have to believe gays knew they were gay from birth, as they say, just as straights do, too.
You have no position on artificial gender roles, which we assume to be Republican fetish blow-up dolls.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

7. You have to believe that Federal funding is important for all disease research, and an anti-gay bias should not change that.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th- graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

8. You have to believe that teachers were probably fucking before they were teaching.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.

9. You have to believe that there is a difference between loving nature so it keeps supplying you with things to shoot, versus working to save animals from people who want to wear them…

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

10. You believe that people are born with self-esteem, and should be allowed to keep it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

11. You believe that Attila the Mel can spend his money however he wants.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

12. You have to believe that the NRA should read the WHOLE Second Amendment.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

13. You have to believe that nothing is free, except wars fought "off the books", and that MOST bank fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

14. Well, more than Robert E. Lee, certainly- he was such a loser.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

15. You have to believe that all tests and employment processes will be created equal when all schools, teachers,
and school funding is created and distributed equally.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

16. As the world now knows, John Maynard Keynes was right, and Milton Friedman was wrong.
You also believe that describing liberals as socialists is the same as comparing conservatives with Nazis.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

17. You have to believe that manger scenes can be in parades anytime they want to be...

18. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

18. You have to believe there is nothing vast about the right-wing: not anymore, man!

GOD BLESS AMERICA
Oops, can't do that either.

Allah Bless America
Darwin Bless America
Confucius Bless America
Buddha Bless America

Obama, working diligently to develop a
new breed of parasites on society!
AKA, Democrats for change!

Obama, working diligently to banish an
old, fat, rich breed of parasites from society!
AKA, Democrats for change- you're goddamn right!

"On the whole, it is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them".. Mark Twain

"On the whole, it is best to deserve honors AND have them."

Tom McMasters-Stone
www.polisticksandstones.blogspot.com