Taxes...

In a so-far stunning situation, virtually none of the mainstream news folks have picked up on last week's startling disclosure that the McCains have not paid property taxes on their property in La Jolla for 4 years. Ed Schultz is the only "biggie" so far to pick up on it. A conservative tax evader in the White House? Wow.

Impending Doom Here in Small Town California

Y2Gay

There is almost certainly an event looming here in our little community that requires our immediate preparation. The impact on us will be the likes of which we have not seen since the Y2K disaster at the turn of the century- this time, it’s Y2Gay.

Right now, the odds are in our favor, and we probably still have time to prepare, to get ready for, as the Phantom of the Opera would say, “a disaster beyond [our] imagination…”- a gay marriage ceremony performed right here in our own little community!

Where will it take place?

• Maybe on one of the many streets we have that are named after fruits? Or maybe over on that liberal-sounding Broadview Lane? How about on “It takes a” Village Circle?

• On second thought, since the California Supreme Court is railroading us, the newly-restored Trestle Bridge is probably the perfect location, dodging all those damn bicycles.

Who will it involve?

• It may be somebody we know, maybe even somebody we have been snickering about for years, or it may be a total shock to us. They might even be some of the civil war refugees from Butte or Kern counties, where officials have stopped performing marriage ceremonies altogether. We should be so proud of them- or have we been pronouncing “Butte” wrong all these years?
  

Oh, and that other civil servant, that horrid Governor of New York, David Paterson? A disgrace! He wants to recognize the legal actions of Massachusetts and California- just because the Constitution says he must, and because there are 2000 fewer rights in NY for people in Civil Unions than for those of us in real (wink, wink) Marriages. Talk about Trivial Pursuit!

And what about Iowa? They people are obviously being punished by 40 days and 40 nights of rain for somehow being connected to this left-wing, liberal plot. The only possibility I could find was that maybe Kevin Costner used a gay stuntman when they filmed Field of Dreams there.

It must be a left-wing, liberal, commie plot, right? Brought about by those socialists, and their rebellious, activist Supreme Court justices?

Well, maybe not. Six of the seven current California Supreme Court Justices were appointed by a Republican, and the one appointed by a Democrat dissented in part on the gay marriage issue. Wow! Say it ain’t so!

In any event, where and how should WE focus OUR disaster preparations for this assault on common decency?

Computer security. Overall, we are probably ok here. Expect a full computer meltdown at Starbuck’s, the Gap, all independent bookstores, and sporadic outages in those well-known gay bastions, Davis, Berkeley, and San Francisco.

Water. The bad news is we can’t count on any rain this time of year. The good news is that, with no rain, we won’t have any of those damn rainbows showing up unexpectedly- and making us doubt our feelings about this impending end of civilization as we know it.

Food. Canned foods are an obvious choice. Eggs are good, too, as long as they come from REAL chickens, and not those frilly, silky pretenders. And, remember, no making quiche- it would send the wrong message.

Food II. The bad news is that salt is essential, and we have no local sources. The good news is that any of us who dare to observe, or, worse, participate in, this social debauchery will immediately become pillars of salt- and those few will provide salt for the many.

Food for the Soul. Each household should have multiple copies of their favorite spiritual books: the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud, Perestroika, the Origin of the Species, etc. We should avoid reading any books on Oprah‘s list, and not watch any movies starring Jane Fonda, Tim Robbins, or Susan Sarandon- again, it would send the wrong message.

Mental Health. We should each laminate at least a dozen copies of our own real Marriage Certificates, and store them in just as many different locations. Marriage as we know it cannot be destroyed if even one of those precious copies remains intact and undiscovered- and safe from shredding or burning.

First Aid supplies. A good, comprehensive first aid kit is essential. Since the medical system will surely collapse, we will all be on our own. Remember, no triangular bandages- the symbolism is suspicious.

Lighting. Since the power grid will certainly be an early victim of the disaster, alternate sources of light and heat are vital. Huge advances have been made since Y2K, with the new crank flashlights and radios. Don't count on solar, though, as I expect, we will have what Carly Simon called “…a total eclipse of the sun” that affects more than just Nova Scotia.

As I drive around town in these, the last days before the fall of civilization, I will be watching folks and wondering who will be first…

• Somebody with lots of flowers in their yard? More than 3 fruit trees? Lilacs? Pansies?

• Guys with earrings or tattoos? Both? Wait! Earrings? On no! I’m gonna have nightmares: “Do you Tom, take this man, Cecil…”

• Any of the many women in town with short hair- especially if they drive a truck, or, horror of horrors, a Prius?

• How about the many actors and actresses from our many wonderful theater performances- surely they are suspect, particularly those Hamlet alumni?
  

The bottom line is we just don’t know. They have infiltrated every aspect of our lives- loving their moms, wrapping themselves in OUR flag, even eating apple pie- and we can‘t even tell who they are! It’s so frustrating! How can we fully prepare for a disaster that we can’t see?

Our task would be so much easier if those people were a different color, spoke a different language, had a weird accent or a crazy scarf around their necks, wore feathers and loincloths, had a pink cloth triangle stitched to their shirts- or had a big, fat “Q” branded on their foreheads.