Marriage... (an expansion of "Doing God's Work")

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Well, well, our little Catholic Church has stirred up a hornet's nest. Last Sunday, they gave out "Yes on 8" signs at Mass.

Problem is there are apparently gay folks, gay children, and/or gay grandchildren that are members of the Parish, as well as others who either disagree with the Church's position, or the very fact that the Church is taking a position.

The Main Street Chapel did the same thing.

800 years ago, the Catholic Church first visited the marriage issue. It seems that the property and estate claims of priests' families were interfering with the Church's accumulation of wealth, so, retroactively, all priests' marriages were annulled and no more permitted. For a couple hundred years, the Church was ignored, but the Council of Trent sealed the priests' fate by 1563.

Now comes another business decision. You betcha! The Catholic Church cannot run the risk of the hundreds of gay priests in this state, or the thousands nationwide, leaving the priesthood and settling down to marital bliss here in California like the rest of us.

Nope, the Church wants, no, needs them to stay safely tucked away in their own version of the closet, the confessional. So, YES ON 8! CHURCHES PREACH HATE!

Theology, my eye-for-an-eye!

Sure, Leviticus says to lie with a man as with a woman is an abomination. It also says that eating shellfish is an abomination. So, eating lobster, crab, oysters, clams, and shrimp is equivalent to lying with another guy? I hope they at least exempted bearded clams- oh wait, I'll just call it red snapper.

Oh, how many Rosaries shall I say after the Crab and Pasta Feed? And I had 15 oysters at Harvest Fest last weekend.

Man, if this being gay thing were a choice, I would be all over that if it's like eating lobster. I love shellfish! And I doubt that lying with a man is as fattening.

And I sense new metaphors for Gay Sex here: shelling the lobster, shucking the oyster, peeling the shrimp.

Old Levi also tells us we are to have a 6-day work week, wear no clothes containing both linen and wool, have no tattoos, and, of local interest, we shall eat no food from a tree until the tree is 5 years old.

I guess the Bible is like a buffet, huh? Just take what you want, and leave the rest?

Did you know that any man who sleeps with a servant can be forgiven if he simply has a priest help him sacrifice a Ram?

I hate the Rams. I would gladly sacrifice a Ram to save my libidinous friends. Current players only, or retirees, too? If we could somehow work the Dodgers into the script, this whole sacrifice thing would be perfect.

The most interesting thing about Leviticus is that it's the Incest Book. It's the prohibitor of incest, and lists all the possible transgressions.

Funny thing is, though, it never mentions fathers and daughters. It does prohibit prostituting one's daughter, so God didn't somehow just forget about daughters. Look it up the next time you dust off your ol' Bible.

I had a couple rounds of rejection therapy that are Catholic-related. The first was when I was younger, and endured the anguish of none of the girls being interested in me. Hard to imagine, huh?

My more recent bout of therapy was when I realized that apparently the priests didn't want anything to do with me, either!

I know, straight to Hell, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $ 100- in this GOP economy, it's half what it once was for passing Go...

Taking away somebody's Civil Rights because of religious beliefs? Where have we seen that before? Hitler. Al Qaida. Tibet. Wow, pretty lofty company, huh?

An assault on one of our proudest traditions, the separation of Church & State? Treason. Where have we seen that before? Benedict Arnold- and now, Pope Benedict Arnold- not even a citizen of this country.

A local farmer asked me not long ago if I was a member of any organized religion. I resisted playing the "oxymoron" card, and just said no. He nodded his head and said "oh" like that explained it all. It was one of the saddest moments of my life- such a small exchange capturing what is wrong with our country today and displaying such ignorance of what our country is supposed to stand for.

By the way, these holy folks are lying to you in the TV commercials. Lying. Uh, Commandment # 9, right? Just below masturbation, and right above No Eating Meat On Friday- or Viernes, as the real owners of California would say.

Speaking of masturbation, that's my favorite Catholic joke. The Nun catches the little boy in the closet with his pants down. She looks at him and says, as she has hundreds of times over the years, "Don't do that, you'll go blind." He looks up at her, and replies "Can I do it until I need glasses?"

Or there's the one about a priest walking out of a bar- hey, it could happen!

Proposition 8 is not about Parental Rights. The California Ed Code requires schools to teach RESPECT of marriage, not WHO can or should get married.

Here's the deal: I'm certified to officiate at marriages. We have a little more than 3 weeks. I 'm retired and my schedule is flexible. I have already officiated at four gay wedding ceremonies, and our little town seems to be holding up just fine.

Gay people: if you would like to get married in beautiful Winters, maybe have dinner at the Buckhorn or any of our other great restaurants, and maybe see a show at the Palms, e-mail me at JesusLovesGayPeople@wavecable.com, and I will officiate- free of charge. All you need is your license.

As a bonus, I'll post the hate mail I receive on my blog: www.JesusLovesGP.blogspot.com.

I know, if we fuck this up, maybe in two years we can vote the blacks back into slavery, the Jews back into concentration camps, the Native Americans back to the rez, the Japanese back into internment, and the Mexicans back into the fields- oh, wait.

Americans do not impose their religious beliefs on others, especially other Americans. On November 4th, you can vote on Proposition 8 as an American or as a bigot- it's as simple as that.

My name is Tom McMasters-Stone, I'm Catholic, I approved this Blog Post, and send my Excommunication paperwork to the right goddamn address- suitable for framing, please.