I Revelgaytions... finally disclosed.

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It has taken a while for me to adjust to this kind of responsibility, and, frankly, to the shock of being proved partially wrong about a higher or collective form of life.

It has also been difficult to believe that I, of all people, have been selected for this monumental task. It all became crystal clear to me a couple of weeks ago when one of the best Christians I have ever met asked me to be the co-signer on the checking account for the Winters Community Dinner.

Her explanation to me was that I am fair, honest, and affiliated with no Church- so I wouldn't cause any of the Winters' congregations to be jealous. Since she does not attend services here in Winters, neither does she.

That's it! That must be the reason for my selection. Although, as you will see later, there might be one other reason.

On May 18, 2007, I was sitting in my church pew on my porch, checking my e-mail. All of a sudden, POOF!, and I was 900 miles away, sitting on a corner in Winslow, Arizona- evening traffic, including a flatbed Ford, whizzing by me on Route 66 at Williamson Avenue, and I was connected to the internet via some unknown wi-fi, with something strange happening to my monitor.

At first I thought it was the Google Desktop Screen Saver taking me to Transylvania or to visit the Baskervilles, but that wasn't it.

Nor was it a blue screen event, which happens sometimes with Vista- it was more like a Gray Screen- until a face started to emerge from the gray.

It looked like the Shroud of Turin at first, but as the features became stronger, I could see it was a woman- a strong, masculine-looking woman, but a woman nonetheless. She had long, curly hair, jet-black in color.

It seemed to take forever for the face to materialize- it would come and go, two steps forward, three steps backward, or so it seemed to me.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably just minutes, it became clear- probably in HD.

The black hair framed a face that looked surreally like Whoopi Goldberg, except the face in front of me was clearly Arabic, and with blue eyes.

She was wearing a beautiful Kippah, a large rosary around her neck, and a beautiful Yourban gown. I still don't know how I knew what a Kippah was, or that the dress was from a West African tribe.

She started to talk to me. It was not the deep voice one would expect from a Whoopi look-alike, but rather the slightly-effeminate voice I would associate with Bill Maher.

I said "Who are you?" She ignored me, as she would throughout the entire "conversation", answering none of my questions.

She started:

"I want you to form a new Church, a church that focuses on tolerance, acceptance, and peace. The sword is appropriate sometimes, but the focus should be on peace.

I am tired of having my gay and lesbian children so mistreated, especially as it is so often done in my name. As they have claimed for so long, it is Nature and not Nurture that results in their existence. Given how they have been treated, it is impossible that anyone would consciously "choose" that path.

My heterosexual children should consider whether they are able to wake up tomorrow and "decide" to be gay.

Those earlier Gospel transcriptionists totally screwed up "abomination" in Leviticus- it was not AbOmINation, it was ObAmANation, which you will see in a couple of years as a great, positive thing for the world. Remember, eating shellfish was also described in Leviticus as an "abomination", and no way are lobsters, oysters, crab, or clams evil or debaucherous.

However, my new Church is for all of those subjected to bigotry and hatred, for their families, friends, and supporters, and, as I inspired for the Statue of Liberty, for "... your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to be free..."

The new Church is to take what you deem to be the best aspects of the world's great religions, and combine them into one short, concise creed.

One thing- do NOT include the Old Testament. I did not inspire the Old Testament anymore than I inspired, say, those American novels written by Henry Miller or Jacqueline Susann. The first time I read the Old Testament, I said "Jeeeeezus Christ, what crap!"

The question of a Supreme Being is to be left open to individual choice and belief, and nobody shall judge that decision, lest they be judged tenfold more harshly by me. Likewise is the question of an afterlife to be left open, as that, too, shall be an individual and unassailable belief.

The focus shall be on life, not death, on behavior and thought, and on each other.

Lastly, it shall be called the Worldwide Congregaytion, and you shall take the name of Papa Cavalieri I. It's a great name, and further proof that I neither visited Joseph Smith nor ever gave him anything.

Go forth, and do good things.

So, that's it. That's where we are today, and I have to think the passage of Prop 8 this past week happened as a catalyst for change.

I'm proud of my selection, and awed by the task ahead.

On the other hand, that week in May 2007 was the same week that Jerry Falwell died, and I may simply have been chosen to be one old fat lunatic asshole replacing another!